Nov 12 If the Habs Were Cars

I figured it was time for another fun blog post. I’ve been waaaaaay off my game lately and wanted to throw something together based on nothing but total pointlessness. Oddly enough, it’s these types of posts that generate the most amount of discussion because it gives everyone the chance to also let down their hair and throw things at the wall. I decided to use a bit of discipline and restraint with this, because as Habs fans, we are notorious for over-valuing the players we have. So I’ve intentionally avoided exotic cars like Porsche, and Ferrari and supercars, like the Audi R8 and Lamborghini Gallardo. It would be too tempting, and ultimately too boring to assign everyone on the team we love such a distinguished ride.

So here goes nothing….your Habs, if they were your cars:

Tomas Plekanec – 2011 Hyundai Sonata 2.0T I know what you’re thinking, “You’re starting this thing off with a Hyunday? Eff this, I’m out!” Hang on, it gets better! The new Sonata rates up there with BMW 5-series and looks like a Mercedes, but it flies under the radar of recognition because it’s a Hyundai. That’s wrong, but for Habs fans, it’s so SO right!

Andrei Kostitsyn – Jeep Rubicon. Tough like a tank and elegant in its simple, boxy design, the Jeep Rubicon is unstoppable with a motivated driver behind the wheel. In other words, when AK46 is on, nothing can stop him.

Mike Cammalleri – Nissan 370Z. This car cooks! A top of the line roadster that’s speedy, sharp looking and everyone wants one.

Scott Gomez – Chrysler 300M. It’s a nice looking car, is really comfortable and cruises very nicely. But ultimately, this thing is overpriced.

Brian Gionta – Mini Clubman. It’s essentially a miniature BMW. What else do you want?

Lars Eller – Chevy Volt. This electric/hybrid’s best days are still ahead of it. Its role is not quite defined, just as Eller is victim to Martin’s confounding ways. It’s the future, Jacques – get used to it!

Benoit Pouliot – Base model Chevy Camaro. I’m speaking from experience on this one. Lots of blind spots, takes a ton of energy to get it up to speed, but it looks and feels great once it’s moving. Pouliot should have been an SS model by now, but it appears as though we’ll never see that upgrade. Still, this is a vast step up from the Jimmy Olsen ranking he got in my “If Habs Were Superheroes” post from May.

Mathieu Darche – Toyota Camry. Useful but unremarkable car. Those that have one love it, but always longing for another Cammalleri.

Jeff Halpern – Honda Ridgeline. Surprisingly versatile and underappreciated.

Maxim Lapierre – Honda Civic SI. One that’s been modified by a 20 year old that wears Ed Hardy clothes and wears his hat sideways.

Travis Moen – Ford F150 King Ranch Edition – solid, solid, solid.

Tom Pyatt – The newly relaunched Ford Fiesta. Terrific reviews, spunky, quick and peppy…but ultimately not the car you want when you need performance.

Andrei Markov - Cadillac CTS Coupe. This is a sweet, sweet ride that does everything well. Made by one of the classic automakers, it fits Markov’s prestigious role within the Habs organization well.

Josh Gorges – Jeep Grand Cherokee. A classy, yet tough as nails ride that suits this Habs iron man to a tee. He never misses a game and was probably on the short list for the captaincy. The only place left for him to go is to the SRT8 model. That’ll be tough though.

Hal Gill – 18 wheeler. Plods along in a straight line, takes an hour to make a turn and can block entire lanes of traffic. Ask the Capitals. Or the Penguins.

PK Subban – Chevy Corvette. Unbridled speed and power. This car just begs to be turned loose, but if you’re not careful, the rear wheel drive will throw you out of control. It’s a thrill to watch when it’s under control. Otherwise you’re just waiting for the inevitable crash. And nobody likes seeing a smashed up Corvette. Or a shackled one either.

Roman Hamrlik – A Buick Regal. But an old one, not a new one…because the new ones are actually pretty awesome. Everyone knows that a Buick is a poor man’s Cadillac, and we all remember the admirable job that Hamrlik did filling in for Markov…last year. Once upon a time this car was a luxurious ride with a beefy engine, but that was a long time ago. Age erodes everything.

Jaroslav Spacek – Milk truck - delivers the goods once a week for a brief minute or two. That’s it.

Ryan O’Byrne and Alex Picard – Dodge Journey. Strictly utilitarian vehicles despite the attempts to give them style. They’re probably not long for this world. It’s a vehicle that just won’t stand the test of time, likely due to lack of development and poor product positioning.

Carey Price – 2011 Ford Taurus SHO. The old Taurus model was tired, boring, underwhelming and had lost its way by the time it was “reinvented” using the same Ford Five Hundred that got nowhere. Reborn and reinvigorated, the new Taurus the is probably the coolest looking sedan on the road and has the guts to back up its new look.

Ok, that’s it. Fun’s over. Now it’s your turn. What car would you have assigned to the Habs players?

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